We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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