Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
