I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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