I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
