She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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