How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
