the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Randomize
