why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Randomize
