Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
you had me at cake vodka
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize