you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
