just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
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