I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
