I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
