Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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