It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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