I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
