so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
