it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
