i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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