And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
