the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
