Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
