Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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