I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
