but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
