I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
