Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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