one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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