smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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