ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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