At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
