haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize