he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
