yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
