and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
