Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
