i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
