i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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