Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
