i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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