glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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