No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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