We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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