I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
