I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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