why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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