if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize