Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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