My friends, they love my intelligence
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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