I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize