There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
