You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize