I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
