I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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