My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
