my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
