I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
