playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
