i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
