As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
