Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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